when will it end?

So. I've been going through some stuff for the past...er...15 years of my life and I'm ready for a change. I realized this while at Dillards...with a butthead we alllll know...

So...to set this up...we went to look for me a dress for Broadway Saturday and wound up at the mall. I looked at Coach, as expected (THEY HAVE MY PINK SHOES NOW!!!) and then at Betsey Johnson. The watch I wanted was under $150! I really wanted it-but got talked out of it. THEN, like a fool, I let myself be talked out of a $250+ B. J. luggage set for $72! :( Why is it that I constantly listen to the advice of people who constantly hurt me? Why don't I get the picture? I feel like such an idiot and a robot.

I don't have any friends near me. I have maybe 5 total. Sometimes I think there's something wrong with me. Then I realize, the only reason I have only 5 is because I'm selective. I'm hurt by uncontrollable things and other people, so I try to use my greatest judgement when choosing friends. It sucks not having anyone to spend my weekends with, so maybe I'll make a resolution to work on that.

I guess that's why BBC was never for me. And the churches. And the teachings in general. I think that 'religion' puts a boundary on how much imagination and wonder are in a belief. Like, don't get me wrong-If I was hurt and all alone, who says I can't wrap up in a blanket and talk to God like a person? Why should I have to use fancy phrases and 'heavenly father' and 'amen?' Why can't I make it what I choose? And I think I know my own heart. I don't have the money to buy myself popularity. My parents are far from missionaries/evangelists/preachers. I refuse to date around to create drama. My life is not a reality show. My name is Jenn-not LC. I have a REAL body and though it's not perfect, it's mine-not some size 0 skin n' bones crap. Heaven forbid I don't wear makeup to the gym! (or Walmart, or work, or whatever) Since when does everyone else in the world decide who you are? I guess what I'm saying is know who you are. Don't listen to other people. Work hard but remember that, in the end, it's just 'stuff' and it's just 'money.' No one says 'I wish I could have worked just one more day...' on their death bed.

I'm frustrated, so that may not make any sense. I refuse to apologize. Take it or leave it.

This is real, this is me.
--J